The secret to being someone people love talking to

One of the most useful social skills I've learned over the years has surprisingly little to do with making myself more interesting.

It's learning how to make other people feel interesting. I actually learned this idea in a formal etiquette class I took back in elementary school and it has stuck with me to this day.

Think about the people you most enjoy talking to. Chances are, they're not necessarily the funniest, smartest, or most entertaining people you know. They're often the people who make you feel like what you have to say actually matters.

And I think that's good news, especially for people who feel anxious in social situations.

So much of our attention goes toward ourselves. Am I being interesting enough? Am I saying the right things? What should I say next?

But one of the easiest ways to become more comfortable socially is to shift some of that attention outward.

Instead of worrying so much about whether someone finds you interesting, get genuinely interested in them.

Here are three ways to practice this.

1. Ask the second question.

Most of us know how to ask someone what they do for work, how their weekend was, or what they've been up to lately.

But the real opportunity for connection often comes with the next question.

If someone tells you they recently started playing tennis, don't just say, "That's great!" and move on.

Ask what got them interested. Whether they're enjoying it. What surprised them about picking it up.

That second question communicates something important: I'm not just making conversation.

I'm actually interested in your answer.

2. Remember something and bring it up later.

Few things make people feel more valued than realizing someone remembered something that mattered to them.

Maybe a friend mentioned an upcoming job interview, a difficult conversation with a family member, or a trip they were excited about.

The next time you speak, ask how it went.

It doesn't require a grand gesture. Just a little attention and follow-through.

And the message it sends is powerful: You matter enough to me that I remembered.

3. Give people room to talk about what excites them.

One of my favorite things to notice in conversation is when someone's energy changes.

Maybe they start speaking a little faster, smiling more, or becoming noticeably animated about something.

That's often an invitation to get curious.

You don't have to share their interest or know much about the subject. Sometimes, simply asking someone to tell you more about something they love is enough to turn an ordinary conversation into a memorable one.

And here's what I hope you'll take away from all of this.

Being good at conversation isn't about having something impressive to say. It's about helping people feel that what they have to say is worth hearing.

The next time you're talking with someone, try taking a little pressure off yourself. You don't have to entertain them, impress them, or have the perfect story ready.

Just be curious.

You might be surprised by how much easier connection becomes when you stop trying so hard to be interesting.

Here's to a more connected life,

James K. Ellis, Ph.D.