How to Deal with Nerves

One of the questions I get most often is, "How do I calm my nerves around people?"

The first thing I want you to know is this:

Nerves aren't a sign that something is wrong. They're often a sign that something matters.

If building friendships, dating, or feeling connected is important to you, of course you're going to feel vulnerable at times. I actually think that's a good thing. Human connection is one of the strongest predictors of both mental and physical health. It should matter.

The challenge is that anxiety has a job to do.

It's an ancient survival response that narrows your attention inward. When you're anxious, your brain becomes preoccupied with questions like:

• How am I coming across?

• What if I say something awkward?

• What if they don't like me?

  
  

Notice where all of those questions point.

Back to you.

One of the most effective ways to interrupt that cycle is to intentionally shift your attention outward.

The next time you're feeling nervous, try this:

• Get curious. Ask yourself, "What can I learn about this person?"

• Turn your empathy on. Imagine what their day has been like or what they might be feeling.

• Listen to understand, not to perform. Your goal isn't to impress them. It's to know them a little better by the end of the conversation.

Something interesting happens when you do this.

Your brain has less room to obsess over itself.

And that's often when anxiety begins to loosen its grip.

The goal isn't to eliminate nerves.

The goal is to stop letting them become the center of your attention.

Because the moment your attention shifts from "How am I doing?" to "Who is this person?", connection becomes much easier.

Until next time,

James K. Ellis, Ph.D.