One thing to remember before Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is just around the corner, and this year I'll be packing up the car and heading to my in-laws to celebrate.

I'm looking forward to it. But I also know that family gatherings don't always turn out quite the way we hope. Even when we love the people we're visiting, old tensions can resurface, conversations can become uncomfortable, and sometimes we leave feeling more drained than connected.

And that got me thinking about something I want to share with you before the holiday.

We put so much effort into the logistics of making it possible to get together. But how much effort do we put into making that time together enjoyable?

It's easy to focus on the things other people do that make family gatherings difficult. The relative who criticizes everything. The person who brings up politics. The one who dominates every conversation.

But here's a question I'm trying to ask myself more often: What's it like for other people to spend time with me?

Do they feel comfortable? Accepted? Appreciated? Are they happy they came?

Because one of the most important things we can do for our relationships is to become someone other people genuinely enjoy being around.

In other words, be a good hang.

And what's great about that is it doesn't require a sparkling personality or the ability to entertain a room. It's mostly about the small choices we make in how we treat people.

Here are four things I'll be keeping in mind this Thanksgiving, and I hope you'll consider them, too.

1. Give people some grace. Your family members are probably the same imperfect people they were last year. Rather than hoping they'll suddenly change, try accepting some of their quirks and limitations. It's not helpful to make who they've always been become a source of frustration when you have carved out time to spend together.

2. Choose connection over correction. You don't have to challenge every opinion, point out every mistake, or win every disagreement. Ask yourself whether what you're about to say will bring you closer together or push you further apart.

3. Make people feel good in your presence. Show genuine interest. Ask questions. Include someone who's sitting quietly. Offer to help. Look for opportunities to make other people feel welcomed and appreciated.

4. Give people your attention. If you've traveled a long way to be together, make the most of it. Put down your phone, participate in conversations, and be present. These opportunities may be less frequent than we realize.

Of course, none of this means you have to tolerate mistreatment, it simply means recognizing that the quality of our relationships depends, in part, on the experience we create for one another.

And that's something worth remembering, especially during the holidays.

So as I head off to spend Thanksgiving with my family, I'm going to try to be mindful of the experience I'm helping create. Not just whether I'm enjoying myself, but whether the people around me are enjoying our time together.

After all, if we're going to make the effort to be together, let's each do our part to make it an enjoyable experience—so we'll look forward to having another good hang the next time we have the opportunity.

Wishing you and your loved ones a wonderful Thanksgiving!

James K. Ellis, Ph.D.