Relationships Are Not Apps

I was recently on the Chase Merrill podcast, and one part of the conversation has really stayed with me.

We talked about how technology has trained us to expect good things in life to come with less effort.

You want entertainment? Instant.

Food? Delivered.

Bored? Scroll.

Algorithms now learn our preferences and feed us exactly what we want, often with almost no friction at all.

And I think, psychologically, this has started shaping the way we approach relationships.

As a culture, we increasingly associate “good” with what feels easy. So when friendships, family relationships, or dating relationships start requiring effort, people often assume something is wrong.

If you have to initiate too often, work through misunderstandings, coordinate schedules, repair conflict, or consistently invest in maintaining closeness, it can start to feel disappointing, as though the relationship must not be that meaningful after all.

But that’s not how human connection works.

Relationships are not apps. They are not optimized systems designed to remove inconvenience. They involve real people with stress, insecurities, distractions, competing priorities, and changing lives.

And meaningful connection has always required effort. In fact, some of the biggest payoffs in life come from enormous effort.

Honestly, I think a lot of people today are not walking away from bad relationships. They’re walking away from normal relational friction.

That distinction matters.

Because the things that nourish us most psychologically (friendship, intimacy, belonging, trust, community) are usually built through repeated effort over time, not convenience.

So here are 3 things I would encourage you to practice if you want to push back against this mindset:

1. Stop using effort as evidence that something is wrong.

   A relationship requiring maintenance does not mean it’s failing. In many cases, it means it’s real.

   
   

2. Normalize initiating.

   A lot of adults quietly sabotage connection by refusing to be “the one who reaches out more.” If connection matters to you, stop treating initiative like weakness.

   
   

3. Build tolerance for relational friction.

   Delayed replies, scheduling difficulties, periods of less contact, misunderstandings...these are often normal parts of adult relationships, not proof that nobody cares.

   
   

Technology has made many parts of life easier. But human connection was never supposed to be effortless. 

And honestly, I don’t think we should want it to be.

Until next time,

James Ellis, The Loneliness Dr.